25 November - 10 December

Hello and welcome to a Barnardos Australia podcast.

My name is Matt Hooey, and I’m the Head of Practice and Impact. I’d like to acknowledge the traditional owners of country throughout Australia and recognise Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders’ continued connection to land, waters, and community. Today we are recording on the land of the Wallumedegal People.

Today we’re here to talk with Farah Mak, whom some of you might know from Neighbours. A well-known Australian actor, who is also on a mission to empower the lives of children and young people, particularly with their self-worth. The mission has come from an internal personal experience with domestic and family violence. So welcome to the podcast.

Thank you. It’s an absolute honour to be here, and I’m so grateful for your time, Matt.

Absolutely. We’re really keen to hear from you and your experience, particularly your lived experience and your journey of healing and how you’ve come to, I suppose, be able to talk about the experience and then empower other people.

Thank you. Yes. So ask away any questions. I think starting from the beginning, I’m happy to talk about my lived experience and what led me to become an advocate and activist in this sector.

Just a bit about Barnardos. We impact about 14 to 15,000 children and young people and their families across Barnardos New South Wales and ACT each year. An ongoing trend we typically are starting to see and have seen for some time is domestic and family violence. No matter what end of the stick you’re at, whether it’s early intervention or in out-of-home care, which is in the foster care side of things. But one key thing that continues to come up in our way of approaching our work with helping clients or kids heal from trauma is about self-worth and their identity. So I’m curious to hear from you. Your, like, I suppose, from the start to where we are now and what you want to share with how you’ve been able to shape your experiences to where you are.

If I look back and reflect on my own childhood, my childhood was a beautiful combination of wonder and challenge, I would say. I look back at Little Farah and think she grew up with a lens of magical, sparkly glitter, trying to see the possibility and joy in everything. But running alongside that was a little bit of fear, uncertainty, and doubt, which would make me question my own worth. In hindsight, I look back at my childhood and see that there were themes of family violence there that I didn’t recognise as a child, which would affect my own self-worth. Later in life, I guess, this is part of what drew me to magnetise the wrong people into my life who would treat me in the wrong way. That’s where the domestic and family violence lived experience really came in as an adult and the self-worth side of it. I think it’s so important for children to learn about self-worth from a young age—to know exactly who they are, what they stand for, and what they have to say. Instilling in children that they are worthy of love, worthy of safety, worthy of value, and being accepted just because of who they are—not for any external validation.

Ah, so you mentioned in your childhood that you had picked up on signs that you probably didn’t really recognize back then about what you were living through. What do you think in society has changed or community has changed in terms of attitudes around violence in the home?

I think first and foremost, back then, abuse in general in the home was a dark, hidden secret. The good thing is that now we’re talking about it openly, and there’s a light shining on what domestic and family violence is. It’s not nobody’s business because it’s behind closed doors. It’s everybody’s business because it affects everybody. Now we have names for certain behaviours that we didn’t understand were parts of family violence. We used to think that it was just someone being physically harmed—a punch in the face or something—and that’s what domestic and family violence looked like back in my youth. Again, I would say that was almost normalised because it was nobody else’s business. Now it’s everyone’s business, and we’re all talking about it. But we also have an insight and understanding around things that are drivers that lead to that physical violence that, in my personal opinion, are much harsher. That’s gaslighting, coercive control, love-bombing—all the little red flags that actually leave a deep scar and a deep emotional trauma. The impact can last much longer than any sort of physical harm.

Yeah, it really does shape your experiences as a kid to have all those different elements in your life because it can confuse how you relate to people as you become older and an adult. Then what we see is the cycle of finding someone who is someone that you’ve maybe grown up with or who has perpetrated abuse, essentially. That’s a hard thing to go through as a child. Did you have any, I suppose, internal strengths or attributes that you really relied on to help give you a voice and help your self-worth and empowerment?

I drew on my creativity. I would write poetry and stories to sort of escape into a little magical world, and that’s followed me through my life. I once had someone say to me, “Farah, your rose-colored glasses are so rosy, you would look at a broken-down old caravan and see The Taj Mahal.” So it’s been a strength and a weakness, to be honest. I was always looking for the best in people. The weakness part was that I would accept less than what I was worthy of. But the strength is that it builds resilience and helps you to always see the optimal side of things, the positivity, and the joy.

You’re an actor, and that’s essentially what your job is—telling a story. Throughout your career, how have you relied on storytelling to help amplify domestic violence on a larger advocacy scale?

Yes. I must say, for a period there, particularly when I was escaping and healing after that abusive relationship, I lost that ability to storytell because I felt like a completely empty shell. I didn’t know who I was. I literally was just this person that felt empty on the inside. I didn’t know how to storytell anymore. I didn’t know how to use my voice. It wasn’t until I started healing and writing—writing was a powerful thing for me. Poetry and creative writing helped me find my voice again. Through storytelling, I was able to not only heal myself but also heal others. My voice came about through the creative process of writing again and then using my voice and seeing the impact it made to reach other people. They might connect with your story—just one small piece. They might not have been a victim of family violence, but something else might have been a trauma in their life that has impacted them. They connect with that piece and then look at you for hope and healing and say, “If that person can overcome that, I too can overcome that.” You can have that unity in storytelling. To be able to talk from an authentic place is really powerful.

Still, we are hearing less about children being impacted, even though we know that children are significantly impacted if they are in the home. It’s this cycle I think we need to really focus more on—children as direct victims of family violence. I do a lot about empowerment for women because of my own lived experience, but I’m also really passionate about children because they’re not being seen or heard or valued enough in the Family and Federal Circuit Courts, or in schools. There needs to be more trauma-informed practices within schools to recognise the signs. We now also understand what coercive control, gaslighting, and all the things we’ve talked about are. So for teachers to be trauma-informed around certain behaviours that a child witnessing family violence might display, that’s the important thing—to be able to recognise those signs. For children to know what they’re worthy of and how they should be treated, what love looks like, what respect looks like, and what a healthy relationship looks like.

And thinking about healthy relationships, what was, if you don’t mind sharing, the turning point for you to say, “Actually, this is not a healthy relationship that I’m in”? What was the turning point for you to find that voice?

I think there were so many moments.

It wasn’t like one big dramatic moment because I stayed for far too long and endured far too much. That faint whisper that kept saying to me, you are worthy of so much more. Sorry, I’m getting emotional now. But most importantly, looking at my children and seeing their future selves and knowing that I had to be the person to role model what a healthy relationship was, what love really looks like, what respect really looks like, and breaking that cycle for them. Taking them out of that environment so it’s not normalized for them, thinking about their lives in the future and who I wanted them to be, what I visualized for them.

So the turning point wasn’t like one dramatic moment, although there were many of those, to be honest. It was that quiet whisper that kept saying, you are worthy of so much more.

So you’d mentioned that it took you, from your perspective, far too long, and there were a lot of warning signs and red flags left, right, and center. What was your experience of asking for help?

Asking for help was incredibly hard for me. The fear of retaliation, the stigma, the overwhelming shame. And as we’ve talked about, when you’re a victim of family violence, often your self-worth is stripped away. So I felt like I wasn’t worthy of help or nobody would believe me. So it was incredibly hard. I had some certain people in my life who I reached out to who helped build that self-worth back up. So it was friendships and loved ones who believed me and supported me and gave me the courage to then reach out to organizations that helped build that process. The more I was able to talk about it, the safer I felt.

And I think that’s where, coming back to it, it’s so important that organizations, like yourselves, also the police, ambulance, family and federal circuit courts, magistrates courts, believe victims and survivors of family violence. Because they have already been through enough emotional overwhelm and trauma and feel like they’re not good enough and not worthy to be treated well. So then often there’s that retraumatization in the sector, in the process.

Yeah. And yeah, absolutely right. The retraumatization that comes back to that, having to tell your story over and over again. Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre in Victoria was a lifeline for me. There was just one particular woman who was a court support worker in the magistrates court, who held my hand, put her arm around me, and made me feel like she was a mother figure. She made me feel safe and loved. So that was a real turning point for me in feeling safe and loved and valued and heard.

Others, I will say, I had some terrible experiences within the family and federal circuit courts. So it was not a linear process, and there were parts that were nurturing and wonderful and helped empower me to keep moving forward, and others that really were retraumatizing and made me feel like I was to blame for the experience.

Yeah. I’m curious to know when you were going through this process, what was it like for your children? Were people asking about the children specifically? Because we often will hear also that kids are often hidden within the process.

Yes. Again, certain organizations were asking about the children. Others weren’t, and there were certain aspects of the process that were, again, retraumatizing the children. I think with children, no matter how much we try and shield them from what’s going on, children are actually very intuitive. So they pick up on things, they pick up on energy. So it’s really important that we’re really focusing in on the kids and that sectors are taking note of how they’re responding, how they’re acting, how their behaviors are, to know what sort of trauma that they’ve been holding from. They might have just seen and heard it, but seeing and hearing abuse is essentially being a direct victim, especially for a young person.

Barnardos continues to be a strong advocate in ensuring that children’s voices are heard and that they’re getting the right supports in place. From your perspective, what would have helped you and your kids, or what do you think, from your advocacy work and what you’ve heard, would support communities?

Something I’m really passionate about is that I really believe there needs to be programs in place to strengthen self-worth in children—empowerment programs, trauma-informed programs, or a program that is trauma-informed, strengthening self-worth and empowering. I’d love to see something like this rolled out in schools, family, and federal circuit courts. It’s something that I’m really passionate about, that when you walk out of the courts, no matter what the outcome is, you feel lost—lost and afraid and not knowing what to do next.

So I’ve spoken to some leaders within the courts about saying, I think it’s your responsibility that you offer an opt-in program to help with the healing and empowerment journey from the next step, rather than just, Okay, we’re done. Off you go. Happy life.

So I think schools, family and federal circuit courts, organizations like Barnardos, and other nonprofits who support victims and survivors of family violence should have self-worth-strengthening empowerment programs that are trauma-informed, that really support children and build their sense of identity so they know who they are, that they are loved, safe, valued, and heard.

So how did conversations about domestic and family violence or just violence in general look in your household, like with your kids? I think these conversations need to be approached first with honesty, simplicity, and reassurance, so the children.

Know that they’re not at fault, there’s no blame on them, and that they are safe, loved, and supported. So having that heart-to-heart, honest conversation and taking away that dark, scary monster—being able to look at their feelings, name their feelings, put a label on their emotions, and have a discussion around what that is.

Having that simple, honest, open conversation that is age-appropriate, using the right language, and just talking from the heart. It’s also okay to add some joy to it. It’s okay to add joy and hope in difficult conversations so they have something to look forward to and know that the next steps are exciting and joyful.

That’s really interesting. Honesty and safety are so important. But you’ve got different-aged children, so when did you know it was the right time to have a conversation?

That’s a great question. I don’t know if there is a right time. It’s about finding moments. Each child is so different in who they are. We’re all so different as human beings. Children have their different personalities and their different ways of taking in a conversation and their own needs and healing journeys. So, I don’t think there’s ever a “right” time—it’s about finding the right moment with each child.

With my youngest, he’s more open to these heartfelt conversations, so I can find moments where I can say, “Oh, do you want to do a mommy-son chat time?” and talk about his feelings or how certain things might have affected him. He’s more open to that. But with my teenage daughter, it’s really about finding that right moment where she feels safe and comfortable to open up and express how she’s feeling. So, rather than a “right” time, I think my answer would be finding the right moments.

Yeah, absolutely. And we see this particularly with a lot of our services. Adolescents are juggling everything in life. They’re asking, “Who am I in school? Who am I on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook?” Essentially, we’re all competing with that headspace, right? Everything is compounded on top of each other. That’s why I think it’s so important you’re doing the work on self-worth, because that’s a form of early intervention. Starting early, before they reach that adolescent stage when they’re trying to find their place in the world, is really important. Having those skills, strengths, and attributes within themselves to rely on is crucial.

Absolutely. I think self-worth is the foundation of it all. If you’ve got a strong sense of self-worth—knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what you want to say—then that’s the foundation for a successful, happy, and joyful life.

I’ve done some work in my career around self-worth and identity, particularly therapeutic life story work with kids in out-of-home care [foster care]. It’s about storytelling, self-worth, and helping kids understand their past experiences—not just theirs, but also their parents’ and grandparents’ experiences. Intergenerational trauma is so significant.

You’re absolutely right. The way you’d explain a concept to me would be different than how you’d explain it to someone else. It’s about child-led conversations and taking opportunities. I’ve found that experience really rewarding and empowering for children to be able to understand these large concepts, often in creative and fun ways. Most adults in society don’t fully grasp these concepts, especially brain development in kids.

That process was so healing for those kids because they were able to see their grandparents, who often had experienced trauma (though not everyone), and how that led to their parents’ experiences, which then shaped their own experiences. We focused a lot on the pregnancy aspect—even before a child is born, their mom might be experiencing significant trauma, often domestic and family violence. When you’re in your mommy’s tummy, even if you haven’t taken your first breath, it’s still impacting you dramatically. It’s not as cookie-cutter as people might think; it’s about understanding how everything in your life, even from generations before, has an impact.

Oh, I love that. It’s so powerful. I love that you speak about the impact on the unborn baby—that when you’re in mommy’s tummy, you can take in mommy’s emotions and feelings. Pregnancy is where it really starts, in terms of early intervention. That little baby already absorbs belief systems and emotions along the way during pregnancy.

It’s so important that we have prevention and support for pregnant women. We advocate for and deliver specific domestic family violence services for young people in communities, and we want to expand that as much as we can. That’s a form of early intervention. Group work, training, facilitation—whatever you want to call it—is about teaching young people what a healthy relationship looks like.

It’s about recognizing red flags, coercive control, manipulation, or even just that gut feeling when something doesn’t feel right. For young people and children, it’s so important to understand their intuition, follow it, and recognize red flags early on.

So we’ve talked about coercive control, gaslighting, and love bombing—another one I didn’t understand when I was going through it myself. In hindsight, I realize now that it led to stalking in my personal situation.

Seeing all of those things and having conversations around them, it’s important to have a good understanding and, most importantly, as you said, Matt, to follow your intuition. When something doesn’t feel right, really tune into that.

We need to think holistically about domestic violence and how we can change it together, one person at a time. It’s about being that person who gives a hug, holds someone in that space, and says, “Hey, it’s okay. You’re with me. We can get through this.”

That’s beautiful. Matt, I think you’re right—it’s about that one person. Bringing it back to the community, thank you for bringing that up. That one woman made such an impact on my life that I’ve been an advocate and activist ever since. She made me feel safe, loved, heard, valued, and worthy. And I thought, “I want every person who’s experienced domestic and family violence to feel this way.”

From her planting that little seed of love, it inspired me to become an advocate. I see so many others doing similar work through their own healing and empowerment.

What do you think are some of the impacts we might not be seeing in the community?

I think a lot of the invisible, underlying things we need to be aware of aren’t obvious. Often, children who have been around domestic and family violence have had their confidence and sense of self eroded. It leaves them questioning who they are in the world, feeling unworthy, and not really knowing their importance.

This can lead to things like anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems. As they grow older, it might manifest as perfectionism, difficulty trusting relationships, or struggling to attract healthy relationships. These silent, invisible things might not be recognized early on. A child questioning who they are in the world can carry that doubt with them for a lifetime.

That’s why prevention and understanding are so important—looking at these silent effects on children, not just seeing a “naughty kid” and stopping there. Instead, asking, “What has this child been through? What’s led to this behavior?” and then finding solutions to wrap them in love and help them heal, so they don’t carry that with them forever.

I think the thing that’s really important as well—and something we often see in Barnardo’s Centres—is families asking for support, which is fantastic. Sometimes, it’s about children’s behaviors, and that’s where we see the need for deeper understanding. When I worked in out-of-home care [foster care], teachers would often call me about incidents in the classroom.

It’s about encouraging people to look beyond the behavior, to think deeper, and to be trauma-informed. A child is always telling you something through their behavior. It’s about recognizing that and providing them with the opportunity to have a voice by asking critical questions.

I think, and I don’t know about you, but society still struggles to ask those tough, uncomfortable questions, particularly when it comes to domestic and family violence. It’s an uncomfortable topic for many people, which is why it’s so important to break the stigma and just be able to have a conversation about it.

Going back to what you’re saying about teachers being trauma-informed, it’s just as important for parents. A broader community understanding and education around trauma-informed approaches is crucial. As a parent, having a trauma-informed perspective helps me understand not only my children’s behavior but also other children’s behavior.

It makes it easier to know how to handle situations when I see something outside the norm. Teachers, too, can benefit from this understanding. I’ve had teachers comment about my children misbehaving, and they often seem to hit a panic button instead of looking beneath the surface. Understanding that a behavior might just need a little more love and care takes the pressure off the child and the adult handling it.

Like, if you’ve got that trauma-informed understanding, you don’t feel like you’re having to suddenly fix something. You just know how to resolve it in a more nurturing, loving, holistic approach. Time and time again, we hear that when a woman becomes pregnant, that is one of the most critical and dangerous times for them in a domestic and family violent relationship for many, many factors. And that they’re still children, and it’s still impacting them for their lifetime to come.

That’s where Barnardo’s work is so important. And thank you for what you do. So I think back to my own experiences and how alone and afraid I felt at times. The more we can talk about Barnardo’s being there to help you through pregnancy, through every part of the way, the support they give children is life-changing.

I believe you’ve got a book called ‘I Am Worthy’ that you’ve written, and it’s all about empowering women and girls. “I Am Worthy” came about from a poem I wrote many years ago called She Shines, which was part of my own healing journey. It was a poem written about a woman who goes on a journey to rediscover her self-worth. Essentially, it was my own journey. I wrote it one day while sitting on a train, watching people come and go. A beautiful young woman boarded my carriage, and I thought, wow, she’s really beautiful. But then something stopped me and captivated me with her. I could see or sense brokenness within.

It was almost like a mirror reflecting back my own broken parts—fear, shame, insecurity. That’s when creativity became my healing foundation. I wrote She Shines that day, and I had a very clear vision to turn She Shines into a film to help heal and empower others. It took me many years to adapt that poem into a film, and I finally did that. It’s still a work in progress, but from She Shines as the foundation, I launched the Self-Worth Movement, with a mission to educate, inspire, and empower people about the value and profound importance of self-worth. My focus has mostly been on women survivors, but I’ve now launched the Sparkle Squad Girls as a prevention piece.

The Sparkle Squad Girls teach children about their core values and, essentially, what self-worth is. The very first book is I Am Worthy, which will be coming out in the new year. It’s about a girl named Worthy, who takes readers on a journey to learn about self-worth. It’s written in a modern fairytale style to make it fun and engaging, bringing that light and sparkle. It helps children find their own hero within, so they become the hero of their own fairy tale.

You also have affirmation cards—beautiful self-worth affirmation cards. What do you say we do one?

Alright, first off the rank is optimism. How’s that? I’m going to hand this to you if you want to put it on your heart. What are you feeling optimistic about in terms of domestic and family violence—community awareness, attitudes, or just your own journey?

I’m very optimistic right now about the community in general. We’re having the conversation and taking away that dark, scary monster, understanding that it’s everyone’s business and responsibility. I’m really optimistic about organizations like Barnardo’s, who are trailblazing the way to bring transformational change and hope and healing to families to help break the cycle.

I’m super optimistic about advocates who are out there using their pain, turning it into purpose, and sharing their stories. They’re using their voices to pave the path for others—offering healing and light. Again, educating people around the red flags to stop them from continuing the cycle.

Thank you for coming along and advocating strongly for kids, for their voice, and for sharing your story. It’s not easy to do. I really admire your vulnerability and the drive to share your story to empower others in the community or anyone who will be listening.

Thank you. It’s been an honor to be here with you, Matt, and I’m very grateful for you and all the work that Barnardo’s is doing. I hope this piece inspires others to share their story and empower themselves on their own healing journey.

Absolutely. If you require any support, immediate support, please contact 1800 RESPECT or, if you’re Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander, you can contact 13 YARN for cultural support.